ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You don't make any sense
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