Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
