I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
