So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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