i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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