she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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