Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
