My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
