was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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