the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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