he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
