So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize