I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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