i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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