Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
