Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You left your phone here
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