That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize