I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
