i would punch a child for taco bell
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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