I'm so fucking centered right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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