So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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