grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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