If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
