Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
