i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He did a backflip because drugs
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
