What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Please, let me fuck your mom
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need water and some morals
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
