Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
