I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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