I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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