How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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