awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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