All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
