I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
