I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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