I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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