the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
