We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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