Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
