everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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