my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
