She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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