Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
