I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize