Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just google imaged poop.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
