I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
