She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
