Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
