Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
