in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
