He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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