peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
well most of my day revolves around power hour
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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