In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
