just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
