I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
