If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
