I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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