You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
