billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
