fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
