OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
