Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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