I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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