They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
