I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
