I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
