You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
