Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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