my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize