U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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