i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
