3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
